14 Ways to Stop Being a Jerk to Your Spouse

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We know a jerk in a relationship when we see one, but what about when we are the jerks? Sometimes, despite our best intentions, we end up being not-so-nice to the person we love the most. Treating your spouse with respect and kindness is essential for a harmonious home and a recipe for a strong, lasting bond.

It’s easy to point fingers, but we must acknowledge that we all have room for improvement and take steps to improve our relationships. You don’t have to be perfect, but you do need to make progress in developing your empathy.

Here are the behaviors that may make you a jerk to your spouse, even if they aren’t mentioning it, and how to dig deep and improve your relationship.

1. Be Humble

A little humility goes a long way in any relationship. No one wants to live with someone full of themselves and believes that they’re God’s gifts to the marriage. When you’re humble, you acknowledge that you don’t have all the answers and are not always right.

This mindset allows you to listen to your spouse’s perspective and value their input. Pride can be a major relationship killer. Being humble makes it easy for your spouse to call your folly and to resolve conflicts.

2. Take Responsibility for Your Own Happiness

It’s normal to expect to be happy in your relationship. But if you expect your spouse to make you happy all the time, you’ll only frustrate yourself and make them miserable. It’s essential to take care of yourself and do things that make you happy, taking responsibility for your own happiness.

When you’re content and fulfilled, you’re less likely to take out your frustrations on your spouse. Engage in hobbies, exercise, or spend time with friends—whatever helps you recharge and feel good about yourself.

3. Be Authentic

Never pretend to be someone you are not. It can’t be done for long, and that mask will eventually fall, leading to resentment. Authenticity is about being true to yourself and your partner. When you’re authentic, you build trust and create a deeper connection.

Share your thoughts, feelings, and dreams with your spouse. Being open and honest fosters intimacy and shows that you value your relationship enough to be genuine.

4. Seek Help

There’s no shame in seeking help when you need it. You can try therapy and counseling or simply talk to a trusted friend. Getting support can make a significant difference in your relationship.

Sometimes, an outside perspective can help you see things more clearly and provide valuable insights. Don’t hesitate to seek help if you’re struggling to improve your behavior toward your spouse.

5. Be Careful Who You Emulate

Who do you look up to when it comes to marriage matters? We all have role models, but choosing them wisely is crucial. Not all relationships are worth emulating, and sometimes, the people we look up to may not have the healthiest dynamics.

Look for role models who demonstrate respect, kindness, and effective communication in their relationships. Learn from their positive behaviors and apply those lessons to your own marriage.

6. Prioritize Your Spouse

Where is your spouse on your list of priorities? Right after laundry and just before the trash? When the babies come and jobs keep getting more and more demanding, guess who falls through the cracks? Your spouse. Prioritizing your partner is essential for creating a strong relationship

Show them that they matter by making time for them and giving them your full attention. Plan regular date nights, listen to them, and say “Thank you” for all they do.

7. Don’t Hold Grudges

Wives, especially, have the unenviable gift of remembering events dating back to Reagan’s presidency. However, holding onto grudges can poison your relationship. When you hold onto past hurts, you’re unable to move forward and create a positive future together.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or excusing harmful behavior. It’s about letting go of the anger and resentment that hold you back from fully loving your spouse.

8. Don’t Be Too Distrustful

While everyone has to prove themselves trustworthy, being overly suspicious can create unnecessary tension and conflict. If you find yourself constantly doubting your spouse, it’s essential to address the root cause of your distrust.

Open communication and transparency can help rebuild trust. Share your concerns with your spouse and work together to strengthen your bond.

9. Match Their Investment in the Relationship

Do they remember all anniversaries and bring you gifts while all you do is wake up and go to bed with little effort? A successful marriage requires effort from both partners. Make sure you’re matching your spouse’s investment in the relationship.

If they’re putting in the work to improve things, you should do the same. Show your commitment by being present, supportive, and willing to nurture your relationship. When both partners are equally invested, the relationship thrives.

10. Stop Invalidating Their Feelings

Invalidating your spouse’s feelings is a surefire way to create distance and resentment. Everyone wants to feel heard and understood, and dismissing their emotions can be incredibly hurtful.

Practice active listening and empathy. Acknowledge your spouse’s feelings, even if you don’t fully understand or agree with them. Validation goes a long way in creating a supportive and loving environment.

11. Don’t Make Everything About You

Self-centeredness can be detrimental to a relationship. It’s essential to consider your spouse’s needs and perspectives. A healthy marriage involves give-and-take, so make sure you’re not always making everything about you.

Find out what makes them happy, too. Meet them halfway and sometimes put yourself in their shoes. This keeps the relationship on an even keel, where both partners feel like VIPs in each other’s lives.

12. Be Generous Towards Them

Generosity isn’t just about material things. It’s also about being generous with your time, attention, and affection. Small acts of kindness can strengthen your bond and show your spouse that you care.

Surprise them with thoughtful gestures, offer a helping hand, be there when they need support, and know that little things go a long way. Generosity will create a positive and loving atmosphere in your relationship.

13. Stop Complaining All the Time

Constant complaining can drain the joy out of any relationship. While it’s essential to address issues (in a mature and patient communication style), focusing solely on the negatives can create a toxic environment.

Try to focus on the positives and express gratitude for the good things in your relationship. This shift in perspective can lead to a more harmonious and fulfilling marriage.

14. Don’t Always Say What’s on Your Mind

While honesty is important, it’s also essential to consider the impact of your words. Not everything that crosses your mind needs to be said, especially if it’s hurtful or unnecessary. Employ cognitive and emotional empathy to screen what is and is not essential to voice to your partner.

Practice thoughtful communication by choosing your words carefully and considering your spouse’s feelings. This approach fosters a more respectful and loving environment.

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