We are all products of our upbringing. How we’re raised plays a profound role in shaping how we experience and express intimacy. From the moment we are born, the interactions we have with our primary caregivers set the foundation for our understanding of trust, love, and emotional closeness.
What makes one person trust easily while another one struggles with it? The way our families express affection and handle conflict during childhood teaches us critical lessons about intimacy. As we transition into adolescence and early adulthood, our upbringing continues to influence our approach to romantic relationships.
Understanding the impact of our upbringing on our intimate relationships can enable us to break unhealthy patterns and build stronger, more fulfilling connections. Here are some of the ways how you were raised affects your intimacy.
1. It Shapes Our View of Marriage
Marriage, the most intimate of relationships, is profoundly influenced by the examples we observed during our upbringing. If you were raised in a household where love and respect were prevalent, you might view marriage as a source of emotional fulfillment and partnership. Conversely, witnessing conflict or dysfunction can lead to skepticism about marriage’s viability.
This can potentially cause reluctance to commit fully to a partner. The concept of marriage extends beyond romantic ideals— it also encompasses duties, sacrifices, and joint goals. Parents who model a balanced and supportive marriage can instill a sense of teamwork and mutual growth.
2. It Dictates How We Manage Emotions
The way your parents managed their emotions sets the stage for how you handle yours. For example, if emotional expression was encouraged, you might be more adept at sharing your feelings with your partner. If emotional suppression was the norm, you might struggle with expressing vulnerability, leading to misunderstandings and emotional distance.
Learning emotional regulation from parents also includes observing how they deal with stress and conflict. Parents who resolve issues calmly and constructively teach children to adopt similar strategies. However, if parents frequently display anger or avoidance during conflicts, those approaches may be mirrored, affecting relationship harmony and intimacy.
3. It Affects How We Communicate
Effective communication is the backbone of any intimate relationship. The communication styles we observe growing up significantly influence how we express ourselves and listen to our partners. If open and honest dialogue is encouraged in your family, you’re more likely to value and practice clear communication in your relationships.
Conversely, if communication is filled with criticism or silence, you might find it challenging to communicate effectively. Learning to communicate assertively rather than aggressively or passively is crucial. Your upbringing teaches you whether to tackle issues head-on or avoid them, deeply impacting your relationship’s quality and resilience.
4. It Provides Values That Guide Our Relationships
Our parents and caregivers are often the first to impart values that guide our interactions and decisions in relationships. These values, whether they pertain to honesty, loyalty, or respect, become the moral compass by which we measure our actions and our partners’ actions.
Values instilled during upbringing also shape what we prioritize in a relationship. If interdependence and a sense of community were stressed, you might prioritize collaboration and mutual support.
5. It Shapes How You View Managing Money In The Relationship
Studies show that about 25% of couples break up over money. Financial management and attitudes toward money are often learned behaviors rooted in our upbringing. If financial discussions were transparent and responsible spending was modeled, you might approach money matters with the same prudence in your relationship today.
However, if money was a frequent source of stress or conflict, it might evoke anxiety or secrecy in your relationship. Differing spending habits between partners can lead to significant tension, and the way you handle these differences often mirrors how financial issues were managed in your formative years.
6. It Dictates Your Love Style
Psychologists often discuss “love styles,” which are essentially blueprints for how we give and receive love. These styles are heavily influenced by our upbringing. Parents who show affection openly typically raise children who are comfortable with expressing love similarly. Those raised in less affectionate environments may struggle with physical or verbal expressions of love.
Love styles also encompass how we respond to our partner’s needs. A nurturing environment encourages empathy and responsiveness, while a neglectful one might make it difficult to recognize or address a partner’s emotional needs. Understanding your love style can help you improve how you connect with your partner.
7. It Affects How Much You Trust Your Partner
Trust is a critical component of intimacy, and our ability to trust often stems from our early relationships. A consistent and supportive upbringing can instill a strong sense of trust in others, making it easier to build a trustworthy and secure relationship.
In contrast, an upbringing characterized by betrayal, inconsistency, or neglect can lead to trust issues. These issues often manifest as jealousy or a constant need for reassurance, which can strain a relationship. Learning to build trust despite past experiences is essential for a healthy, intimate relationship.
8. It Shapes Your Emotional Intelligence
Experts assert that emotional intelligence—the ability to understand, regulate emotions, and empathize with others—is crucial for intimate relationships. It helps us recognize and adapt to changes in ourselves and our partners. Our upbringing greatly influences emotional intelligence.
Parents who model empathy, active listening, and emotional regulation contribute to developing these skills in their children. High emotional intelligence leads to better conflict resolution and stronger emotional connections. A lack of emotional guidance can result in difficulties with emotional self-awareness and empathy.
9. It Forms Your Expectations of Support
Our expectations of support from a partner are often shaped by the support we received growing up. If you experienced strong emotional backing from your family, you’re more likely to expect and provide the same in your relationship. This creates a solid foundation for mutual support and understanding.
However, if you had to be self-reliant due to a lack of support, you might find it difficult to rely on your partner. This can lead to an unhealthy dynamic where one partner feels neglected, or the other feels overwhelmed by the responsibility of providing emotional support.
10. It Advises Your Tolerance for Abuse
The tolerance for abuse in relationships can be directly linked to upbringing. Witnessing or experiencing abuse can normalize such behavior, making it harder to recognize and leave abusive relationships. Conversely, a nurturing and respectful upbringing sets a standard for how one should be treated, reducing tolerance for any form of abuse.
Understanding that one’s tolerance for mistreatment is not a reflection of one’s worth but a consequence of one’s upbringing is crucial for breaking the cycle. Seeking help and learning healthy relationship behaviors are vital steps toward fostering a safe and loving intimate relationship.
11. It Affects Your Perspective of Sexual Intimacy
The messages you receive about intimacy—whether they are direct teachings, observed behaviors, or societal norms—create a foundational framework for how you view and engage in sexual relationships.
If it was treated as a taboo subject or associated with guilt and fear, these negative connotations can carry into your adult relationships. This can lead to difficulties in physical intimacy, such as discomfort with closeness, communication barriers about needs, or even feelings of inadequacy.
12. It Influences Your Relationship With Independence
The level of independence encouraged during upbringing significantly shapes one’s approach to freedom within an intimate relationship. If you were encouraged to make decisions, solve problems on your own, and pursue personal goals, you are likely to value and maintain a sense of independence as an adult.
An upbringing where independence was stifled or overly controlled can result in dependency issues within a relationship. This may manifest as difficulty in making decisions without your partner’s input or an overwhelming need for constant companionship and approval. An overly independent upbringing might lead to challenges in accepting support and collaboration from a partner.
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I’m a Language and Literary Studies (Honors) graduate with 11 years of experience in magazine and blog writing and content creation. I’m passionate about storytelling for change and believe in the power of words to make a difference. My writing is thought-provoking, accessible, and engaging, focusing on the Psychology of human behavior, complex social issues, personal experiences, and the latest trends. I’m a wife and a Mom of three.
