Life can be paradoxical. One time, it gives you awesome friends; another time, it gives you awesome friends who hate each other. If you thought being a forgotten middle child with fighting siblings was hard, try managing two friends who can’t stand each other. It’s like trying to keep your cat and your dog from setting the house on fire.
As a person trying to keep the peace, you might find yourself playing mediator, therapist, and personal cheerleader all rolled into one—the perfect recipe for a migraine. You’ll feel like you need balance, patience, and a huge glass of wine. It can also be a chance to exercise those people skills you’ve been honing over the years.
You need innovative and strict ways to keep the peace, avoid turning into a human stress ball, be the good friend you’ve always been, and keep everyone (mostly) happy. How do you get through this mess with your sanity—and friendships—intact? Here are some tips.
1. Let Them Know You Like Them Both
Sometimes, a little clarity is necessary. If your friends regularly put you in situations that feel like a loyalty test, it’s time to set the record straight: you’re not picking sides. Make it clear to both that your friendship with each of them stands on its own, regardless of their issues with each other.
A respectful, upfront chat can go a long way toward lowering the expectation that you’ll “choose.” By establishing this boundary, you can keep your role as a friend without becoming a pawn in their conflict.
2. Stay Neutral in Their Arguments
It’s easy to get swept up in the drama, but staying neutral is your best bet. Aim to be Switzerland—calm, composed, and unflappable. One party may not like your neutrality, but acknowledge each friend’s feelings without getting involved in their arguments.
Being neutral doesn’t mean you have to hide your feelings, but it does mean you don’t need to express them in a way that feeds into the conflict. That way, you won’t have to deal with the fallout of taking sides, and you’ll preserve your relationship with both.
3. Step In and Call Out Bad Behaviour
You might find yourself in the position of being a mediator, but don’t rush into that role unless absolutely necessary. If the argument starts escalating and you’re the only person who can diffuse it, step in—but do so cautiously.
Avoid giving unsolicited advice or taking on the emotional weight of their fight. Your job isn’t to solve their problems, just to prevent the situation from exploding. Even then, only step in when you have a clear plan to calm things down. Otherwise, you’ll just be a boxing match referee.
4. Be Creative With Group Hangouts
Inviting both friends to the same event can feel like setting yourself up for failure. If they can’t stand each other, don’t force it. You can choose to host separate hangouts or events with each friend and inform the other person beforehand.
If they have to be in the same event, keep them apart if possible. A well-planned seating arrangement and lighthearted conversation can prevent a full-blown showdown.
5. Set Clear Boundaries
You can be a good friend without tolerating bad behavior. If either friend starts crossing boundaries, don’t hesitate to set them straight. Politely but firmly, make it clear that you won’t tolerate disrespect, bickering, or constant badmouthing.
This helps prevent your friendships from becoming toxic and keeps things respectful on all sides. You can still listen to both sides without getting dragged into their fights, but only if you establish clear limits.
6. Let Them Take Their Time to Reconcile
Though you may feel the urge to play the hero and fix everything, sometimes patience is the best approach. By allowing your friends the space to work through their issues independently, you demonstrate respect for them.
Sometimes, you don’t really know when the rain started beating down on them, and only they know how deep their issues run. They’ll need to face each other at some point.
7. Avoid Blaming Either Friend
It can be tempting to point fingers and say, “Well, it was her fault,” but that only fuels the fire. Both parties may have contributed to the conflict, and both are responsible for their actions.
If asked, offer a more balanced perspective and help them see the bigger picture. This helps prevent further alienation and keeps the focus on resolution rather than rehashing past grievances.
8. Don’t Take Their Drama Personally
No matter how much they argue or if they don’t talk to each other at all, this is about them, not you. Don’t let their conflict affect your mood or your relationship with either of them. Keep in mind that you’re just a bystander in their drama, not the cause of it.
If they get upset with each other, it’s their issue, not yours. You don’t need to absorb all the negative energy they’re throwing around. Keep your focus on your well-being, and don’t let their problems overshadow your life.
9. Create Your Own Support System
It’s very possible for your friendship to be dominated by their hatred of each other, and you’re left with no one to support you. Keep your sanity by reaching out to people who aren’t tangled in the conflict for advice, encouragement, and perspective.
This can prevent you from feeling isolated in your situation. Lean on other friends who aren’t involved in the drama to help you process your feelings, remind you to take breaks, and provide the support you need to stay emotionally grounded.
10. Accept That Some Conflicts Won’t Be Resolved Quickly
Not every argument has a neat and tidy resolution. Sometimes, your friends may need months (or even years) to work through their differences, and that’s perfectly fine. Don’t push for quick fixes because it can backfire and prolong the conflict. Instead, embrace the idea that it might take time for things to heal.
In the meantime, focus on what you can control—your own actions and boundaries. Keep offering your support without taking on the emotional labor of “fixing” everything. Remember, some conflicts need space and time to cool down before a real resolution can happen, and that’s okay. It’s part of the journey.
11. Know When to Step Back
Sometimes, the best thing you can do for both friends is to give them space from you too. While it might feel like you need to keep everything together, constantly juggling two people who dislike each other can wear you out.
If you find yourself caught in a loop of trying to balance both friends’ feelings, take a step back and let them navigate things on their own for a while. You’re not abandoning them—you’re creating room for both friends to process their issues without you in the middle.
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I’m a Language and Literary Studies (Honors) graduate with 11 years of experience in magazine and blog writing and content creation. I’m passionate about storytelling for change and believe in the power of words to make a difference. My writing is thought-provoking, accessible, and engaging, focusing on the Psychology of human behavior, complex social issues, personal experiences, and the latest trends. I’m a wife and a Mom of three.
I’m a Language and Literary Studies (Honors) graduate with 11 years of experience in magazine and blog writing and content creation. I’m passionate about storytelling for change and believe in the power of words to make a difference. My writing is thought-provoking, accessible, and engaging, focusing on the Psychology of human behavior, complex social issues, personal experiences, and the latest trends. I’m a wife and a Mom of three.
