If you ever found yourself wondering, “Is this tough love, or is it abuse?” it’s probably abuse. Unlike physical abuse, verbal abuse doesn’t leave bruises or marks, but it has a long-lasting impact. It’s not easy to identify or even understand verbal abuse; you may even be told you’re being too soft or reading too much into words. However, if someone’s words leave you feeling violated, insecure, and unworthy, they’re abusing you.
How about when it’s not you? How do you identify when someone else is being verbally abused? Once you know what to look out for, it becomes easier to intervene and provide assistance. Verbal abuse may often be wrapped up in seemingly innocent phrases or disguised as humor. Don’t be fooled.
These are the subtle yet glaring signs of verbal abuse to be aware of.
1. They Face Constant Criticism
It might start with small digs, but verbal abuse often manifests through constant criticism. This isn’t the type of feedback meant to improve—it’s the kind that chips away at confidence and leaves people feeling inadequate.
An abuser might criticize everything from their decisions to their appearance, making it feel like nothing is ever good enough. These comments are often delivered with scorn or belittlement rather than with a desire to help.
2. They’ve Changed to Make Their Abuser Happy
If you’ve spotted someone doing the chameleon shuffle just to keep an abuser happy, that’s a neon red flag. The victim might try on new behaviors, swap out opinions like socks, or even give their look a makeover—all to dodge drama or score points with the abuser.
It’s like an endless game of “Am I Enough Yet?” with moving goalposts, leaving the victim marooned on Self-Doubt Island. The relentless morphing act can make them lose their own identity while the abuser sits there, eternally unimpressed.
3. They’re Told to “Calm Down” When They’re Upset
When someone’s feelings are constantly invalidated, it’s a clear sign of verbal abuse. When someone expresses genuine distress, the abuser may minimize their feelings by saying things like, “You’re overreacting” or “Just calm down.”
This tactic makes the victim feel like their emotional experiences are wrong or unimportant, and it can lead to confusion about what’s actually acceptable to feel. The long-term effect of this kind of dismissal is that the victim may stop trusting their own emotional responses, becoming more vulnerable to the manipulative behavior of the abuser.
4. They’re Always Gaslit
Gaslighting is one of the most insidious forms of manipulation. It involves twisting facts or denying events in a way that makes the victim doubt their own perception of reality. The abuser may deny saying something hurtful or suggest that the victim is remembering things incorrectly, making them feel crazy or paranoid.
This constant undermining of someone’s reality can erode their self-confidence and make them question their own thoughts and memories. The more the abuser distorts the truth, the harder it becomes for the victim to distinguish between what is real and what is a fabrication.
5. They’re Always Being Blamed
In verbally abusive situations, the abuser rarely takes responsibility for their actions. Instead, they shift the blame onto the victim, saying things like, “You made me say that,” or “If you weren’t so difficult, I wouldn’t have to be this way.”
This blame-shifting creates a cycle of guilt and self-doubt in the victim, making them believe they are at fault for the abuse. This tactic is used to deflect responsibility and maintain control over the victim.
6. Repetitive Insults That Never Let Up
When insults become part of the daily routine, it’s a sign of verbal abuse. These insults often target the victim’s appearance, intelligence, or character and are designed to keep them feeling small.
The repetition of these hurtful words can make someone start to internalize them, believing the negative comments to be true. The abuser may even masquerade it as “jokes” or “honest feedback,” but it’s an unrelenting attack on someone’s self-esteem.
7. They Get Yelled at a Lot
Being yelled at frequently is a major red flag of verbal abuse. It’s not the occasional raised voice during an argument—this is a pattern of loud, angry outbursts designed to intimidate, control, and silence.
Constant yelling can make the victim feel fearful, anxious, or on edge, as they never know when the next eruption will come. This behavior goes beyond just heated disagreements; it becomes a tool of domination.
8. They’re Publicly Humiliated and Embarrassed
Public humiliation is another cruel form of verbal abuse. The abuser may belittle, insult, or embarrass the victim in front of others, causing them to feel small and powerless.
You may hear an abuser mocking someone’s appearance or making fun of their intelligence. These insults are designed to shame the victim publicly. It’ll not be strange if the victim starts avoiding social situations, fearing that they will be humiliated again.
9. They Endure Sarcasm Used to Hide Hurtful Remarks
Sarcasm is one of the highest of intelligence, but it is also a convenient tool for an abuser to hide their true intentions. Phrases like “Yeah, because you’re always so right about everything” are
often used to mask insults.
While the words might sound like they’re meant to be playful, the underlying message is one of disrespect or disdain. Sarcasm allows the abuser to claim they were “only joking” if the victim calls them out, leaving the victim to question whether they are being too sensitive.
10. They Face Constant Competing or One-Upping
A verbally abusive person might always try to compete with or one-up the victim. If the victim shares an achievement or success, the abuser might respond with, “Well, I did that too, but better,” or dismiss the achievement entirely.
This constant comparison chips away at the victim’s sense of accomplishment and can make them feel like their achievements don’t matter. The abused person will be left feeling unappreciated and unsupported.
11. They’re Always Being Guilt-Tripped
Verbal abusers like to guilt trip people with words like, “You never think of me,” or “After all I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me?” These guilt-laden statements aim to make the victim feel indebted to the abuser, even when they haven’t done anything wrong.
This constant guilt-tripping can make the victim feel responsible for the abuser’s happiness or emotional state. It encourages the victim to sacrifice their own needs and desires to placate the abuser.
12. They’re Threatened with Emotional Withdrawal
When an abuser wants to control the victim’s behavior, they may threaten to withdraw emotionally, saying things like, “You’ll regret this” or “I’m done if you don’t change.” These emotional threats are designed to keep the victim in a constant state of fear and uncertainty.
The victim starts to believe they need to keep the abuser happy at all costs out of fear that any disagreement will result in emotional abandonment or manipulation.
13. They’re Afraid of Speaking Their Mind
Over time, the victim may start to feel afraid of speaking their mind or sharing their opinion for fear of being verbally attacked. The abuser may make cutting remarks like, “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” or “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”
This constant suppression of the victim’s voice can lead them to believe their thoughts and opinions don’t matter, stifling their ability to express themselves freely or authentically.
14. They’re Always Being Stonewalled
Imagine trying to have a conversation, but the other person turns into a human brick wall. That’s stonewalling in action—when the abuser completely shuts down, refuses to engage, or gives you the silent treatment. You might find yourself talking to a blank stare or getting one-word answers that make you feel invisible.
It’s a classic manipulation tactic that leaves you feeling more alone than ever, as the abuser withholds communication as punishment. The victim is left in emotional limbo, desperately trying to break through a wall that seems impenetrable, all while the abuser stays conveniently unbothered.
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I’m a Language and Literary Studies (Honors) graduate with 11 years of experience in magazine and blog writing and content creation. I’m passionate about storytelling for change and believe in the power of words to make a difference. My writing is thought-provoking, accessible, and engaging, focusing on the Psychology of human behavior, complex social issues, personal experiences, and the latest trends. I’m a wife and a Mom of three.
I’m a Language and Literary Studies (Honors) graduate with 11 years of experience in magazine and blog writing and content creation. I’m passionate about storytelling for change and believe in the power of words to make a difference. My writing is thought-provoking, accessible, and engaging, focusing on the Psychology of human behavior, complex social issues, personal experiences, and the latest trends. I’m a wife and a Mom of three.
