There are two scary things in parenting: sudden silence in the kids’ playroom and discipline. The word discipline will either give you palpitations or pride, depending on how well things are going. For many parents and caregivers, it’s an ongoing experiment that can feel more or less like trying to light a campfire in a hurricane.
Our mistakes aren’t always glaringly obvious, and if we’re unlucky, we learn about them when the kids finally write a book about us. The goal of parenting is to bring up kids who won’t need therapy to recover from our parenting.
Disciplining kids is hard– it’s possible you’ve just thrown your hands in the air at some point and wondered where it all went wrong. Here are some of the most common discipline mistakes.
1. Being Inconsistent
Inconsistent discipline is like trying to teach a dog new tricks one day and letting them run wild the next. Kids thrive on routine and boundaries. Please stick to your guns even when it’s inconvenient for you.
If the rules change depending on your mood, your child will have no idea what’s expected of them. One day, “no screen time after dinner” is gospel, but tomorrow, they can watch all they want because you’re tired. The sad news is that they notice, resulting in confusion and frustration—for everyone.
2. Yelling as Your Go-To
If every parent who has yelled at their kid were to turn green, we’d have a very green world. Yelling can feel satisfying at the moment, but what does it really achieve? Most of the time, it just leaves everyone feeling awful.
Yelling often escalates the situation instead of resolving it. The more you yell, the less effective it becomes. Pretty soon, it’s white noise to them, and you’re just draining your energy reserves. Lower your voice and still be authoritative.
3. Threatening Without Following Through
“If you do that one more time, you’re grounded!” Sound familiar? The problem with threats is that they’re often made in the heat of the moment and are either unreasonable or never carried out.
Kids quickly pick up on empty threats and start to realize they don’t mean much. It becomes a game of seeing just how far they can push before you snap. The trick here is to keep your consequences realistic and manageable. If you say something is going to happen, you need to stick to it.
4. Not Explaining the “Why”
Kids are inquisitive, and by the 768th “why,” your ears will be getting hot. When you lay down a rule but don’t explain why it exists, you’re setting yourself up for a rebellion.
If they don’t understand the reasoning behind a rule, it’s easy for them to dismiss it as pointless or unfair. It’s one thing to say, “Don’t hit your brother,” but it’s another to say, “Don’t hit your brother because it hurts him, and we treat others with kindness.”
5. Expecting Immediate Obedience
The old “because I said so” may work on paper, but in real life, expecting immediate obedience is a tall order. Kids, like adults, need time to process. Barking orders and demanding they snap to attention sets a confrontational vibe that stresses everyone out.
This approach may get short-term results, but it won’t encourage a healthy relationship or a deep understanding of responsibility. Try giving them a moment to absorb what you’re asking or give them space to ask questions.
6. Bribing for Good Behavior
“Here, have a cookie if you just behave!” Sure, it seems like a quick fix, but bribes have a nasty habit of backfiring. When kids start to associate good behavior with rewards, they learn only to comply when there’s something in it for them.
Over time, they may become more interested in what they can get out of the deal rather than understanding why good behavior matters. Don’t just dangle treats in front of them, instead try emphasizing intrinsic rewards—like how good it feels to do the right thing or help others.
7. Not Being on the Same Page with Your Partner
If you and your partner are not in sync when it comes to discipline, your kids will use that to their advantage. One of you might be more strict, while the other is a softie, and kids will learn to exploit that.
They’ll go to the one they know will say yes, and suddenly, discipline becomes a game of divide and conquer. The key is communication and consistency between both of you.
8. Comparing Your Kids to Each Other
“Why can’t you be more like your sister?” is the type of phrase that does more damage than you realize, even if Kimberly is more obedient than Katie. Comparing kids, whether it’s to their siblings, friends, or even yourself at their age, breeds resentment and insecurity.
Each child is their own person, with their own strengths and weaknesses. When you start stacking them up against someone else, it makes them feel like they’ll never measure up. Instead, focus on praising their individual qualities and progress.
9. Punishing in Anger
We’ve all been there—your temper flares, and the next thing you know, you’re dishing out punishments that you probably won’t follow through with (or that are way too harsh).
When anger drives your decisions, you’re not teaching a lesson—you’re venting. This can lead to regrets later and, worse, a damaged relationship with your child. The better approach is to take a breather and regulate your own emotions before doling out consequences.
10. Using Shame as a Tool
Making a child feel ashamed of their actions is a risky game. While it may temporarily stop the behavior, shame can have long-lasting emotional effects. Criticizing who the child is rather than what the child did will damage their self-esteem in ways that can be hard to repair.
Phrases like “You’re so lazy” or “You’re such a bad kid” don’t correct behavior—they create feelings of worthlessness. It’s better to focus on the behavior itself and how it can improve.
11. Ignoring Positive Behavior
It’s very possible to focus on correcting bad behavior while simultaneously overlooking the good stuff. If the only time your child hears from you is when they’ve done something wrong, they’re missing out on crucial reinforcement for the things they’re doing right.
Positive reinforcement is just as important as discipline, if not more. Make a point of acknowledging their good choices, no matter how small. Sometimes, a simple “I’m proud of you” is all it takes.
12. Overreacting to Small Things
Not everything requires a full-blown lecture or punishment. Sometimes, parents overreact to minor infractions, turning molehills into mountains. This overreaction can make kids feel like they’re always walking on eggshells, fearing even small mistakes will trigger a big response.
Learning to pick your battles can save everyone a lot of stress. Spilled milk? No big deal. Just wipe it up and move on with a smile.
13. Letting Guilt Drive Your Discipline
Parenting guilt is very real, but letting it dictate your discipline decisions is a slippery slope. Maybe you feel bad because you scolded them, or you’re busy and missed an event, or you wish you could do more.
So to overcompensate, you let them get away with things by being too lenient. While understandable, guilt-driven discipline leads to inconsistency and mixed messages. It’s important to separate your feelings from the rules that need to be enforced.
14. Not Listening to Them
It’s easy to jump to conclusions and hand out punishment without hearing your child’s explanation. But kids often have a valid reason for their behavior or may not understand why they’re in trouble.
Listening doesn’t mean letting them off the hook; it means giving them the chance to share their perspective and learn from what happened. This also shows that you respect and value their thoughts and feelings
15. Over-Praising Every Little Thing
We’re in the era of participation certificates. While positive reinforcement is essential, there is such a thing as over-praising. When kids are constantly told they’re amazing at everything, it can create unrealistic expectations.
It’s important to acknowledge their achievements. However, if everything they do is met with applause, they may start to expect praise for even the smallest tasks. Worse still, they may become dependent on external validation.
16. Punishing Them in Public
Disciplining your child in public is not a very good idea. While the urge to correct them on the spot is tempting, it can turn a simple “no-no” into a public spectacle that lowers their self-esteem.
Instead, take the backstage approach—handle the misstep privately. Let them reflect on their mischief without the paparazzi.
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I’m a Language and Literary Studies (Honors) graduate with 11 years of experience in magazine and blog writing and content creation. I’m passionate about storytelling for change and believe in the power of words to make a difference. My writing is thought-provoking, accessible, and engaging, focusing on the Psychology of human behavior, complex social issues, personal experiences, and the latest trends. I’m a wife and a Mom of three.
I’m a Language and Literary Studies (Honors) graduate with 11 years of experience in magazine and blog writing and content creation. I’m passionate about storytelling for change and believe in the power of words to make a difference. My writing is thought-provoking, accessible, and engaging, focusing on the Psychology of human behavior, complex social issues, personal experiences, and the latest trends. I’m a wife and a Mom of three.
